Death

My Aunty died today, 11 June 2022 at 97 years. 

I said goodbye and I said I love you and I held her hand and I watched my Dad, 91 years, tell his sister how much he loved her and that she could go, that it was okay. We watched her sleeping in peace, her skin still radiant, her hair silver grey, tucked into bed wearing purple flannelette pyjamas and tucked under warm blankets and a crochet rug. I left a scarf that my children kissed and my Dad and I held and the nurses placed it under her pillow. 

I didn’t want to leave the room. It didn’t feel like we had enough time. And when I left the tears came and I cried and cried, feeling the depth of my sorrow and wishing I could go back and see her again. And now my Aunty is gone. 

I look for her, wishing she would send me a sign.   

In life, death, the losing of someone you love, is the greatest test - resisting the urge to get swallowed up in the depth of the darkness, fighting to keep breathing, pushing yourself to get out of bed to live.

Death is the opposite of Joy for the loved ones left behind.

  

Death is a feeling of darkness and extreme sadness and tears that keep flowing for us. 

And yet for you it is light and love and free to be.

I hear the whisper in the wind, turn your head towards the light. I watch the birds and I watch the sunset and I think of you. 

I listen to music now trying to find the song that will bring me peace or match the feeling or say the words that I am feeling by the loss of you.

I look at photos.

You were always so stylish with your lovely outfits and hairstyles.

I remember your home at Rockdale and your hairdressing chairs. 

I remember you giving us the best comics and books that you bought from Salvation Army. 

I remember our chats on the phone. 

I loved hearing about the movies you had gone to see with your friends.

I remember the books on your coffee table. 

I remember you loving your tai chi and remember buying you videos when you could no longer go to your classes. 

I remember watching you play Bingo with Emma and playing ball with Cameron.

I loved you giving my hair advice, even last year you recommended me to get layers. You really knew hair and I’ll take up your recommendation at my next hair appointment. 

I remember for my Counselling Assignment at College I had to write about the most influential women in my life and as well as my Mum I included you and I wrote about your strength.  I admired your honesty and you had a great sense of humour and I loved seeing you laugh.  

At our wedding you were on the main table, the table with the people we love most, our guest. And taking photos with you was on the photographer’s list of must take photos! 

Most of all what stands out for me is your big love for Graham and your big love for your brother John, my Dad.

And I have such big love for you.

It’s hard to believe for me that I won’t see you  again. You’ve always been my Aunty Joyce, the one I love so much. And now I will look for you in the blossoming and the beauty of the flowers and the birds and butterflies. 

I know you are with your Mum and Dad who you have always loved so much and that Uncle Tom and Frances would have been front of the line waiting for you. And I know you will be there when it is our time. 

My heart aches for you. 

I find myself looking for you, almost hoping you will send me a sign. Is it you releasing the birds to fly across the sunset letting me know you are free.

You loved God and I know your face would have beaned with joy when God reached out and took your hand. 

I am not sure who wrote these words or if it is like Chinese whispers where the original message is now distorted and shifted yet in any case I feel that in life we are travelling the railway tracks of life’s challenges on one side and on the other side we have to focus on the joy. In the sorrow and the darkness we have to chase the joy at the same time, the parallels of life. 

Today I pushed myself to go to my happy place, Kurnell and I collected shells and I watched Stella being so happy running in the water and I watched the sunset and  watched the birds flying and I know I need to intentionally keep chasing the joy. I know I must be a chaser of joy and a bringer of joy. And I must focus on being with my family, the  people I love most. And I will write about joy. Please walk beside me Aunty Joyce. I know in my sadness I must focus on joy too.

Your name means rejoice and one who brings joy to others and you definitely bright joy to me and I will carry your name forward. I love you. 

And your family will go on to love each other and speak your name.

I miss you.  My heart hurts.  

I feel swallowed up in grief and I know I am going to have to push myself to keep going, keep moving so that I don't drown in my sorrow of losing you.

Joy will be the key to bringing in the light.  I will follow your whisper and be active in the pursuit of a joy filled life.

I love you Aunty Joyce.