Death

My Aunty died today, 11 June 2022 at 97 years. 

I said goodbye and I said I love you and I held her hand and I watched my Dad, 91 years, tell his sister how much he loved her and that she could go, that it was okay. We watched her sleeping in peace, her skin still radiant, her hair silver grey, tucked into bed wearing purple flannelette pyjamas and tucked under warm blankets and a crochet rug. I left a scarf that my children kissed and my Dad and I held and the nurses placed it under her pillow. 

I didn’t want to leave the room. It didn’t feel like we had enough time. And when I left the tears came and I cried and cried, feeling the depth of my sorrow and wishing I could go back and see her again. And now my Aunty is gone. 

I look for her, wishing she would send me a sign.   

In life, death, the losing of someone you love, is the greatest test - resisting the urge to get swallowed up in the depth of the darkness, fighting to keep breathing, pushing yourself to get out of bed to live.

Death is the opposite of Joy for the loved ones left behind.

  

Death is a feeling of darkness and extreme sadness and tears that keep flowing for us. 

And yet for you it is light and love and free to be.

I hear the whisper in the wind, turn your head towards the light. I watch the birds and I watch the sunset and I think of you. 

I listen to music now trying to find the song that will bring me peace or match the feeling or say the words that I am feeling by the loss of you.

I look at photos.

You were always so stylish with your lovely outfits and hairstyles.

I remember your home at Rockdale and your hairdressing chairs. 

I remember you giving us the best comics and books that you bought from Salvation Army. 

I remember our chats on the phone. 

I loved hearing about the movies you had gone to see with your friends.

I remember the books on your coffee table. 

I remember you loving your tai chi and remember buying you videos when you could no longer go to your classes. 

I remember watching you play Bingo with Emma and playing ball with Cameron.

I loved you giving my hair advice, even last year you recommended me to get layers. You really knew hair and I’ll take up your recommendation at my next hair appointment. 

I remember for my Counselling Assignment at College I had to write about the most influential women in my life and as well as my Mum I included you and I wrote about your strength.  I admired your honesty and you had a great sense of humour and I loved seeing you laugh.  

At our wedding you were on the main table, the table with the people we love most, our guest. And taking photos with you was on the photographer’s list of must take photos! 

Most of all what stands out for me is your big love for Graham and your big love for your brother John, my Dad.

And I have such big love for you.

It’s hard to believe for me that I won’t see you  again. You’ve always been my Aunty Joyce, the one I love so much. And now I will look for you in the blossoming and the beauty of the flowers and the birds and butterflies. 

I know you are with your Mum and Dad who you have always loved so much and that Uncle Tom and Frances would have been front of the line waiting for you. And I know you will be there when it is our time. 

My heart aches for you. 

I find myself looking for you, almost hoping you will send me a sign. Is it you releasing the birds to fly across the sunset letting me know you are free.

You loved God and I know your face would have beaned with joy when God reached out and took your hand. 

I am not sure who wrote these words or if it is like Chinese whispers where the original message is now distorted and shifted yet in any case I feel that in life we are travelling the railway tracks of life’s challenges on one side and on the other side we have to focus on the joy. In the sorrow and the darkness we have to chase the joy at the same time, the parallels of life. 

Today I pushed myself to go to my happy place, Kurnell and I collected shells and I watched Stella being so happy running in the water and I watched the sunset and  watched the birds flying and I know I need to intentionally keep chasing the joy. I know I must be a chaser of joy and a bringer of joy. And I must focus on being with my family, the  people I love most. And I will write about joy. Please walk beside me Aunty Joyce. I know in my sadness I must focus on joy too.

Your name means rejoice and one who brings joy to others and you definitely bright joy to me and I will carry your name forward. I love you. 

And your family will go on to love each other and speak your name.

I miss you.  My heart hurts.  

I feel swallowed up in grief and I know I am going to have to push myself to keep going, keep moving so that I don't drown in my sorrow of losing you.

Joy will be the key to bringing in the light.  I will follow your whisper and be active in the pursuit of a joy filled life.

I love you Aunty Joyce.

Op-Shopping

I love Op-Shopping. It definitely brings me Joy,

On the weekend my daughter and I quickly went into Vinnie’s and my daughter was excited to find cups with Coca-Cola and even though Coca-Cola does not bring me Joy, I knew my son would be excited too with these glasses. I actually love homewares from Vinnies and glad my daughter is introduced to the concept of second-hand too. 

I love buying clothes second hand too. I feel like I am treasure hunting. Today I bought a yellow and white striped Country Road Dress for $20 and love it. I also bought a crochet top and love this too. I saw another tshirt I liked yet it was small and felt a bit snug. 

I love buying clothes, washing them and then putting them in my wardrobe, ready to wear.

Joy joy joy! I love when I buy something that I love. Can’t wait to get back to the store for another look around, knowing I always walk out with something special.  Op-Shopping fills me with Joy.

Palmier

I definitely experience Joy from a Palmier. And it’s more than just the eating, it’s about the excitement of buying one and looking forward to eating it and then taking a photo and then enjoying this treat. 

A Palmier defined as “a sweet crisp pastry shaped like a palm leaf”.

During lockdown there have been a few occasions where we have gone for a walk or my thoughtful husband has gone for a walk and bought me a Palmier.

A Palmier is not an everyday treat. If I had these everyday it would take away the sense of it being special. 

The other day at work I was so super stressed and I was so happy to go for a walk with the family and so delighted when my hubby told me that we were on our way to get a Palmier. Joy!!! Exactly what I needed to cheer me up and feel loved after a tough day at work.

Thongs

I love wearing Thongs, I love when the weather is good enough to be able to wear Thongs. Wearing Thongs in Thing wearing weather definitely brings me Joy.

My daughter loves wearing Thongs too and would wear them all year long if we didn’t say no and make her wear her joggers.

Today was hot, beach weather. I loved walking out the door and putting on our Thongs and just jumping in the car, ready for our adventure. And over we were at the beach I loved just gently kicking off our Thongs and walking along the beach. 

Thongs represent Summer and warmth and sunshine, the things that bring me Joy.

I only have a black pair of Thongs now yet I just buy a white pair and a gold pair once shops open after lockdown. I can’t wait to wear my Thongs and get back to the beach this week.

Rocks

I love Rocks too.  Rock painting and Rock hunting, in particular for me, bring Joy.

When my daughter was 5 years we would drive around looking for Rocks, using NSW Rocks Facebook page as a guide – if there was a rockdrop we would race to the destination and my daughter would look for rocks.

My daughter loved it.  I loved it.  It was part of our special memories.  Memories always bring me Joy.

Over the years my daughter has found painted Rocks and it always brings me Joy seeing the Joy on her face.  Just the other day when we were enjoying a Where’s Wally hunt down at the beach, which was amazing, my children were so excited when they found painted Rocks.

This weekend I loved the chance to paint Rocks with my children.  And then I loved that on our picnic we took a great walk through the park and bushland and hid some Rocks for some children to find and it was exciting seeing my children excited to hide the Rocks too.    

We have bought more Rocks and textas and paint pens and I am looking forward to more craft time painting and hiding Rocks.  It’s the simple things that do bring Joy.

Shells

I love Shells.  I love Shells for their beauty and for what they mean to me too.  I love when I see Shells at the beach.  I love collecting Shells.  I have always loved collecting Shells.  And now I love collecting Shells with my children.  Shells bring me Joy, collecting Shells bring me Joy.

I remember in my 30s running and then going for a swim and then collecting Shells and I remember feeling like I was on a treasure hunt. I loved walking along the sand and loved the different Shells, searching for some of my favourite types of Shells.  I honestly felt as though I had found gold and silver treasures and loved collecting them, taking them home, washing them and admiring their beauty.  I once had so many Shells and I would make glass candle displays with them.  And then I moved home and we got rid of the glass and rid of the Shells - their meaning at the time, somehow had deteriorated with time as I embarked on a new life.

And now I am back at it again.  The other week we went to Kurnell and I was amazed at all of the beautiful Shells and I loved collecting the Shells with my children.  I then loved washing them and sorting them with my children and then we made a candle display and glass jar displays using the glass circular vase that my work gave me when I was in recovery. 

Today I was excited to get back to Kurnell and loved walking up and down looking for Shells, and the excitement and Joy was the same as if I found treasure.  I get excited and feel Joyful when I see a Shell that I love and then I pop it in a plastic bag and have now brought them home to wash and display.  When I look at these Shells I feel Joy for the beauty of nature and I am also filled with Joy at the memories of a special time with my family.

Birthdays

I love Birthdays.  I love celebrating Birthdays with my family.  I love preparing for Birthdays.

Birthdays bring Joy.

On the weekend I turned 50 years and I had the best Birthday.  I loved waking up with my beautiful family and then seeing my Mum and Dad and then enjoying the afternoon and evening with my wonderful husband and children.  It was so special being spoilt.  My hubby is so thoughtful and generous and I absolutely love my presents.

It is special being my Birthday as then two days later is my darling daughter’s Birthday. And we do love Birthdays.

We love having a theme for our children and making it special.  It is a Joy to organise them and plan them together with my husband and an absolute Joy watching my children be so Joyful.  My daughter had the best day on her Birthday and it was so much fun - from the beginning of the day opening presents and the Zoom party and then the treasure hunt at the park and then dinner and a special Birthday cake.

It’s always good after Birthdays to feel a sense of Joy that the days went well. I also love making photobooks of our Birthdays.  By looking back on the photos (and there are always hundreds of photos) I get to re-live the Birthdays and this brings me Joy again.

Now that the Birthdays are over, there is slight disappointment, and so I keep looking at the photos to keep bringing in the Joy.  I will also take time to allow new inspiration to come to me.  And we look forward to the next Birthday or next event. 

I know my son is always counting down to his Birthday and Christmas will be here before we know it.