Darkness

Being in the Darkness does not bring me Joy. 

This is when I need to find the light. This is when I need to soak in the Joy. This is when I need to welcome the Joy, strive for Joy. 

The last 4 weeks have been tough. After having my preventative surgeries of a double mastectomy and a total hysterectomy the night after my surgeries were completed I felt very positive and up.  And yet it was only day 3 where I felt down, that I had fallen back into the black hole. 

Feeling in the depth of the dark hole, just happened so suddenly and without warning. It was a tough few days. 

And during this time it was Joy that brought in the sunshine. My husband, my rock. My children. My best friend. Sunflowers in my room. 

It was tough in the hospital. I felt in the darkness after falling in without a choice. This worried me.  

And I’ve been in the Darkness before, and this is a place I deliberately avoid. I deliberately focus on self care. I consciously stay away from the edge of the black hole. I look back on that time of darkness 17 years ago. It was the worst time in my life. It was the worst time in my parents’ life. I think back to this time when I literally felt I couldn’t get out of bed. I remember my Mum negotiating with me to get out of bed and have a shower and that I could then get back into bed. Each morning my Dad would come over and talk to me while I lay in bed and say he would go and buy me a fresh mango yogurt. I also liked  watching a TV show at night and enjoyed watching this sitcom and it kept me going too. At this time I was deep down in the Darkness, in the depths of the dark hole. I am not sure how long I was in a black hole. It seems like a long time. It was definitely months, probably close to a year. It was a long time. I realised I could stand still or go up. And so I made the decision to crawl up out of the black hole and regain happiness.  I am proud of myself that I was able to get up and out of the Darkness.  If I have done it once I could do it again - although I've always tread carefully to avoid falling in again. 

I was watching a movie and loved the words that said "but it is the shadows that truly define us. There where there is no light."

Luckily my recent fall into the Darkness did not last.  However during this time I had to be in action, be in the doing, doing things that bring me Joy.  I had to keep moving, even just doing small things.  I could have just stayed in bed and yet getting up and doing a few things that I wrote on a list was the key for me.  The list and doing of a list brought me into a positive mindset.  And once I was out of the hole I still felt it close by to me.  There were tears.  It was tough in hospital.  And so once I felt strong enough physically I asked to come home.  It was time to take a step to get closer to the light.    

Being in the Darkness, with the threat of Darkness looming, taught me so much about the importance of Joy and the importance of seeking Joy and enjoying Joy.  Knowing my Joy Starters, what brings me Joy is the key to my happiness and knowing what my family need too is also key for me.

As I get so close to the magic number of 100 I realise that there is so much that brings me Joy and if I focus on bringing these Joyful moments into my life each day I am guaranteed happiness.  Of course knowing what does not bring me Joy is also critical for me.  Knowing what makes me anxious or upset or angry and working on strategies is key for me too.  

The journey of Joy, my goal of 100 posts about Joy is almost achieved and yet at the end of the posts I will take the time for a final post to really reflect on what I have learnt and what I can do to live a Joyful life and bring Joy to my children too.

I think I need a post about what does not bring joy - the Disrupters plus a post about what brings my family Joy, when they are the happiest - not sure what I will call this post - Knowing, Understanding, Keys.

I feel most Grateful that I feel myself now, that I have escaped the black hole, the Darkness.  I am most Grateful that my positive self is still alive and well, adjusting to the new me.  I am missing late nights writing and watching Netflix, me time.  I need to go to bed earlier now as I wake up through the morning feeling hot as part of the new reality of me.  And yet Sleep brings me Joy, knowing I am looking after myself and choosing health as a priority.   

I choose the light.  And yet I know that Darkness will come again, perhaps not in the form of a black hole, yet definitely in times of life's downs and tragedies, the unexpected that knocks us over.  I think knowing what brings Joy and setting this Intention not just for a year or 100 posts, yet for my life, for the life of my family is key for us, is most important for us, will keep us happy and well.