Breastfeeding

Tonight is the end of my breastfeeding journey. I have loved this special time with my children. It has brought me Joy. It has brought my children Joy. It has cemented a closeness that I cherish. I feel a mix of emotions. I am mostly sad and feel flat. 

Tonight I remember when my dream come true and I had my baby girl. I knew nothing about breastfeeding. I wasn’t really prepared or certainly hadn’t put time into thinking about it. When my daughter was born and they brought her to me in recovery and my little girl attached and breastfed I was so in love looking at her and felt so bonded with my girl. I was so in love and excited and Joyful. 

While I thought everything was on track with my darling girl Breastfeeding, it was on the day of her being weighed that I felt crushed and devastated that my darling girl had lost more than 10% weight. I was blessed to have incredible  Lactation Consultants who supported me and helped our Breastfeeding “to work”. 

My husband was an incredible supporter of my Breastfeeding. Right from the start of our Parenthood that we share, he has been everything I could ask for and more. When it was tough and the Clinic where I had Mothers’ Group started putting pressure on me to use formula and I even rushed and bought formula, my husband encouraged me, reassured me, told me that our baby girl was “happy and healthy” and that there was no reason to use formula, that Breastfeeding was right for us and our baby. 

So I persisted. I was determined. We learnt all about Breastfeeding pumps, not soon enough however or we rushed in too quickly as first we bought a manual one, then an automatic one pump one and then finally the best of all, the double breastfeeding pump. We also hired a hospital grade one too. We decided to give Breastfeeding the priority. I would wake up through the night which is normal and then after feeding my baby would stay up and pump. Our little girl thrived and I was happy that I was Breastfeeding.  We had so much support from the Lactation Consultants and nurses at Kareena Hospital where they would let us come on a Sunday for our girl to be weighed and they were always encouraging and supportive.  At 5 months my little girl settled into the bed next to me for co-sleeping.  This made Breastfeeding so much easier and we all got more sleep.  I told my hubby that when we had another baby we would bring them to bed from day 1 as it made Breastfeeding through the night easier and meant more rest for me.  Getting up through the night was hard yet for our baby, we would do everything.  Our darling girl breastfed until 2 years and 4 months where I then had to stop because I was starting IVF the next day as we prayed for another baby.  My little girl was independent and ready and was happy with the presents of special books and a Raggedy Anne Doll.  

As we prepared for our baby boy to be born, I contacted the hospital, and the Lactation Consultants were so helpful again.  Once my darling boy was born they brought him to me in recovering and our unique Breastfeeding time together started and I was overjoyed to bond with my little precious baby boy.  I kept my daughter close to us so she felt loved and included by me.  My daughter had been my world yet my heart grew bigger and there was plenty of love for all of us.  Breastfeeding for my little boy has brought so much Joy.  It has nurtured and strengthened our bond and closeness.  I have fed him when he has been sad, or tired or crying.  I fed him during teething and it made the pain go away.  I fed him during needles, after vaccinations, in hospital beds, in our bed.  Always in our bed, my little boy nestled next to me from day 1.  My husband has been amazing and trusted me with what my children needed, what I needed, what I need as a Mum.  I have loved Breastfeeding my little boy before he goes to sleep, bringing him peace and helping him relax and him trusting me completely, loving me completely.  Breastfeeding has helped build this strong bond.  I am blessed that I have been able to experience the Joy of Breastfeeding.

Of course through the journey there was times of not enough milk, sleepless nights pumping to get more milk, my little girl crying through the night for me, crying for the boobs, and me waking up at one point every 45 minutes to soothe her back to sleep.  There was mastitis time and time again where I would send my hubby out to get cabbage leaves and then as my children got older, sometimes needed antibiotics to get rid of the infection.  Yet it was all worth it.  Every moment with my children Breastfeeding them, connecting with them.

I feel sad that my Breastfeeding time has come to an end.  I will look back at the many many photos I would ask my hubby to take, so that I would have the photos to secure the memories yet so often I would make sure I was just fully present, in the moment, to truly capture the moment in my mind's eye, in my heart, a forever memory.  

Tonight I wanted the last Breastfeeding time to be special.  I wanted to read my son's baby books to him which I did, his special books.  And I gave him 2 Cars cars as a special little present.  I also had my daughter's baby books out too and we got out Ragerty Ann.  Yet my daughter was tired and then my son was tired and it didn't go to plan.  My tired was upset, I got upset.  My daughter wouldn't let us take photos and although I do make sure I am in the moment and it is about the moment, I also find Joy in capturing the moment too.  My hubby was wonderful as always.

After up and down stairs, back and forward between rooms, everything finally settled down. I gave my precious son, at 4 years and 9 months his last breastfeed, just the two of us, in the dark of the night, co-sleeping.  I said I love you.  He released my boob, cuddled into me, his arm wrapped around my neck, his head on my pillow and he fell asleep next to me, happy and comfortable and us both at peace.  Having my darling boy so cuddly next to me and knowing he can go to sleep now without Breastfeeding brings me peace.  I am sad that this is the end yet am using this as a chance to set the important plan to focus on my health.  On Tuesday I have a hernia operation and so I chose this date to signify that I need to focus on my health now.  As we head towards my son's Birthday of him turning 5 years I also want to allow him to build confidence and grow up too.

I feel sad, I feel flat and this is normal.  While Joy is my intention, I allow myself to experience the sadness and trust Joy awaits me too.

As a Mum I need to continually find the connection with my children.  I need to put time into my children, into strengthening our bond.  My daughter has just turned 8 years and almost acts like a teenager not wanting to be with me, not wanting to be seen with me, cranky at me, often upset with me.  Friday night Movie Night is the new opportunity to bond with my daughter.  My little boy just loves closeness, cuddles, kisses.  My son loves being my shadow.  My little boy loves sitting right next to me, arms touching, connected.  Now that my Breastfeeding, our Breastfeeding, has ended, I will stay close to my son, I will cuddle next to him as he sleeps next to me on my pillow.  I will enjoy it, moment by moment, every moment.  It is these precious moments that bring Joy.